One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.
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Oct
12
Headlines / Wordplay
For several years my routine has included watching “Headlines” each Monday night on Leno. Here are a few headlines not appearing on Leno but offering a good dose of wordplay:
In a report about a music festival going on despite a court prohibition: “The Banned Played On”
On a story about a cat trapped between two buildings for five hours before being rescued: “Get Meowt!”
In a story on the reduction of county revenue: “County Seat Feels Pinch”
In an article on the gradual conversion to the metric system: “U.S. Is Playing Follow The Liter”
On a garden column recommending composting: “You Can’t Have Too Mulch”
On a story on the challenge of eating snails: “Well, That’s The Way The Escargots”
On the changing wardrobe of nuns: “Nuns Experiment With New Habits”
“Escaped Leopard Believed Spotted”
“Massage Parlors Rub City Officials Wrong Way”
“River Bill Up The Creek”
* * * * *
And there are these puns offered by the readers of the San Franciso Chronicle. Columnist Herb Caen invented a game in which readers concoct names for animals. Consider these:
A Collie named Flower
Boxer named Shorts
Donkey named Shane
Crow named Magnon
Gopher named Broke
Kitten named Kaboodle
Cat named Mandu
Horse named Greeley
Mouse named Mousey Tung
Sparrow named Agnew
Rabbit named Transit
Pigeon named Toad
Frog named Horn
* * * * *
And, here are a few other instances of noted wordplay:
We were searching for a stopping place after a hard day of driving. “There was a motel back there, “sighed my mother wistfully, “but that was neons ago!” (Selma Raskin)
Show me a jittery king and I’ll show you a nervous rex. (Robert Fitch)
Pediatricians are men of little patients. (Shelby Friedman)
Dermatologists make rash judgments. (Patricia Majewski)
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Oct
11
Navajo Marriage Wisdom
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said……….
…….”Good trade”
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Oct
08
Classified Ads
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor ‘ s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog….able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown – 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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Oct
08
Redneck Humor
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
but she can’t touch it ’til she’s 14.
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How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, ‘Go ahead’.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
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Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
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Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
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A new Redneck law was just recently passed.
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins..
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Did you hear that the Redneck governor’s mansion burned down?
‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . .. . up in flames and the governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’
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A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any! I.D.? ‘
and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’
Dec
28
Puddle Jumping Is A Protected Right
In Hanford, California it is against the law to stop a child from jumping over a puddle.
Click on image
Dec
17
RIP Pillsbury Doughboy
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Dec
12
Unusual Shopping Habits
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in house wares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,
‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least…
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
Sep
22
Which Three Comedians?
If you were stranded on a desert island, which three comedians would you want to have with you?