Humor

Nov

Talking Dog For Sale

By admin | Blog, Funny

A guy is driving through Texas and he sees a sign in front of a house:

“Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yes, I do,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars!!? Is that all? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that crap”

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Nov

Southernness

By admin | Blog, Featured, Funny

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.
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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
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Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, . As in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
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Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
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All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
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Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
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No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
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A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

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Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … And when we’re “in line,” … We talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
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In the South, y’all is singular, .. All y’all is plural.

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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
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Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, AND coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
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When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
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Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
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And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart” … And go your own way.
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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
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And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

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Nov

Coming To A Wal-Mart Near You

By admin | Featured, Funny

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Nov

Only A White Man Could Be This Dumb

By admin | Funny

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US government officials that were sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” asked one official, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing. All night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled… “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.”

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Nov

Her Skirt Was Too Tight

By admin | Funny

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we was friends.”

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Nov

God Moves In Mysterious Ways

By admin | Funny

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed .. “Lord, it’s up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so Good!

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Nov

Redneck Church

By admin | Funny

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
…The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
…A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’tget out of”

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ’56 Chevy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if…
… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

You know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear”.

God Bless and don’t fergit ta say yer prayers!

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Nov

Stopping vs. Slowing Down

By admin | Blog, Funny

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense.

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Deputy says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, ………… “Do you want met to stop, or just slow down?”

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Nov

Careful, Careful, …

By admin | Funny

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

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Nov

Marriage Lottery

By admin | Blog, Funny

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’

The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’.

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