Funny

Nov

Southernness

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.
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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
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Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, . As in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
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Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
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All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
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Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
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No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
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A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

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Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … And when we’re “in line,” … We talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
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In the South, y’all is singular, .. All y’all is plural.

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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
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Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, AND coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
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When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
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Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
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And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart” … And go your own way.
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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
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And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

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Nov

Coming To A Wal-Mart Near You

By admin | Featured, Funny

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Nov

Only A White Man Could Be This Dumb

By admin | Funny

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US government officials that were sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” asked one official, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing. All night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled… “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.”

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Nov

Her Skirt Was Too Tight

By admin | Funny

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we was friends.”

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Nov

God Moves In Mysterious Ways

By admin | Funny

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed .. “Lord, it’s up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so Good!

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Nov

Redneck Church

By admin | Funny

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
…The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
…A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’tget out of”

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ’56 Chevy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if…
… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

You know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear”.

God Bless and don’t fergit ta say yer prayers!

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Nov

The ABCs of Aging

By admin | Funny

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now…

The Alphabet

A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it be low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.

W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have– in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

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Nov

Stopping vs. Slowing Down

By admin | Blog, Funny

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense.

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Deputy says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, ………… “Do you want met to stop, or just slow down?”

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Nov

The Stereotypical South

By admin | Funny

Kentucky:

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Kentucky
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

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Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,”
the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
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Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying… “When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”

When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
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Georgia:

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75.

The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
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South Carolina:

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious
he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was. The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither

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Nov

An Army Education

By admin | Blog, Funny

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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