Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… But it’s only a “penny for
your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

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Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up
like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see
you naked anyway.

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Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

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If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re
both dogs!
If Goofy is Mickey’s dog, why isn’t Mickey Goofy’s mouse?
(I figured these one out: Goofy wears clothes. If you’re a cartoon character and wear clothes, you can’t be owned by someone. Even if it’s only a bow tie!)
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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why
didn’t he just buy dinner?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?

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Related Content

• The Eyes Have It
• Why Spelling Isn’t Important
• Thinking Out Loud

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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, . As in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
_____

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … And when we’re “in line,” … We talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y’all is singular, .. All y’all is plural.

_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, AND coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened.  “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say,”Bless her heart” … And go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:  Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.  Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

* * * * * * * * * *

Related Content

• Redneck Church
• Redneck Humor
• The Stereotypical South

__________

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Related Content

• Redneck Church
• Redneck Humor

__________

Looking for a craft or project? Why not create your own Guardian Angel?

A quick Google search will turn up hundreds of sites claiming that orbs appearing in photos are ghosts/dead relatives/fairies/guardian spirits — depending on the worldview of the storyteller. It seems that over the last few decades these orbs have miraculously started appearing in photographs. Logically, if an orb appears in a photo, it must be a ghost. Right?

Actually, it is a matter of optics, not super-naturalism. The orbs started appearing simultaneously with the growth in digital photography. When a digital camera using a flash takes a photo and there is some kind of side lighting the camera interprets the feedback from air-born dust and pollen in his way. To make your own orb photo, use a digital camera with flash in a slightly darkened room and wave a duster around before taking the photo… ta da, guardian angels.

I certainly believe in the supernatural, and thank God for any and all guardian angels that might be looking out for me. But to believe that orbs in pictures are guardian angels or ghosts makes as much sense as believing that red-eyes for a person in a photo means that they are demon possessed.

.

George Phillips, age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ He said ‘No.’ Then they said ‘All patrols were busy.. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.’ George said, ‘Okay’.

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. ‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.’ and hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, ‘I thought you said that you shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’

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SIMILAR CONTENT

• Crashing Cars For Jesus
• Arrest Your Own Mother

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Associated Press

SAN ANTONIO – A man who rammed his truck into a woman’s vehicle on a highway early Friday told authorities he crashed into her while going more than 100 mph because God told him “she needed to be taken off the road.”

The truck rear-ended the car on U.S. Highway 281, both vehicles spun across a median then came to a stop along a barrier in the opposite lanes. Both drivers suffered only minor injuries.

“He just said God said she wasn’t driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road,” Bexar County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Kyle Coleman said in the online edition of the San Antonio Express-News. “God must have been with them, ’cause any other time, the severity of this crash, it would have been a fatal.”

The pickup driver did not tell police how the woman was driving. Police could not find alcohol or drugs in either driver.

A psychiatric evaluation has been ordered for a man.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in house wares….. and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,
‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

And last, but not least…

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”