How to treat a Woman:
How To Treat a Man:
__________
Related Content
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, . As in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
_____
Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … And when we’re “in line,” … We talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y’all is singular, .. All y’all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, AND coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart” … And go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”
* * * * * * * * * *
Related Content
__________
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense.
Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Deputy says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, ………… “Do you want met to stop, or just slow down?”
__________
Related Content
__________
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
__________
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’.
__________
Related Content
__________
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.
__________
Related Content
__________
For several years my routine has included watching “Headlines” each Monday night on Leno. Here are a few headlines not appearing on Leno but offering a good dose of wordplay:
In a report about a music festival going on despite a court prohibition: “The Banned Played On”
On a story about a cat trapped between two buildings for five hours before being rescued: “Get Meowt!”
In a story on the reduction of county revenue: “County Seat Feels Pinch”
In an article on the gradual conversion to the metric system: “U.S. Is Playing Follow The Liter”
On a garden column recommending composting: “You Can’t Have Too Mulch”
On a story on the challenge of eating snails: “Well, That’s The Way The Escargots”
On the changing wardrobe of nuns: “Nuns Experiment With New Habits”
“Escaped Leopard Believed Spotted”
“Massage Parlors Rub City Officials Wrong Way”
“River Bill Up The Creek”
* * * * *
And there are these puns offered by the readers of the San Franciso Chronicle. Columnist Herb Caen invented a game in which readers concoct names for animals. Consider these:
A Collie named Flower
Boxer named Shorts
Donkey named Shane
Crow named Magnon
Gopher named Broke
Kitten named Kaboodle
Cat named Mandu
Horse named Greeley
Mouse named Mousey Tung
Sparrow named Agnew
Rabbit named Transit
Pigeon named Toad
Frog named Horn
* * * * *
And, here are a few other instances of noted wordplay:
We were searching for a stopping place after a hard day of driving. “There was a motel back there, “sighed my mother wistfully, “but that was neons ago!” (Selma Raskin)
Show me a jittery king and I’ll show you a nervous rex. (Robert Fitch)
Pediatricians are men of little patients. (Shelby Friedman)
Dermatologists make rash judgments. (Patricia Majewski)
__________
Related Content
__________
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said……….
…….”Good trade”
__________
Related Content
__________
Looking for a craft or project? Why not create your own Guardian Angel?
A quick Google search will turn up hundreds of sites claiming that orbs appearing in photos are ghosts/dead relatives/fairies/guardian spirits — depending on the worldview of the storyteller. It seems that over the last few decades these orbs have miraculously started appearing in photographs. Logically, if an orb appears in a photo, it must be a ghost. Right?
Actually, it is a matter of optics, not super-naturalism. The orbs started appearing simultaneously with the growth in digital photography. When a digital camera using a flash takes a photo and there is some kind of side lighting the camera interprets the feedback from air-born dust and pollen in his way. To make your own orb photo, use a digital camera with flash in a slightly darkened room and wave a duster around before taking the photo… ta da, guardian angels.
I certainly believe in the supernatural, and thank God for any and all guardian angels that might be looking out for me. But to believe that orbs in pictures are guardian angels or ghosts makes as much sense as believing that red-eyes for a person in a photo means that they are demon possessed.
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor ‘ s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog….able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown – 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
__________
Related Content
__________
