Nov
19

Baptist Venison, Catholic Catfish

on the grill

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic–and since it was Lent, they were forbidden to eat meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass—and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, “You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.”

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the Priest rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary, and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish.

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Nov
15

Retirement According To Jim

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work .

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she g oes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed Jim

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on July 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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Nov
11

How To Treat A Woman / Man

male_female_symbolHow to treat a Woman:

  • Wine her.
  • Dine her.
  • Call her.
  • Hold her.
  • Surprise her.
  • Compliment her.
  • Smile at her.
  • Listen to her.
  • Laugh with her.
  • Cry with her.symbol-sign-male-female
  • Romance her.
  • Encourage her.
  • Believe in her.
  • Pray with her.
  • Pray for her.
  • Cuddle with her.
  • Shop with her.
  • Give her jewelry.
  • Buy her flowers.
  • Hold her hand.
  • Write love letters to her.
  • Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man:

  • Show up naked.
  • Bring chicken wings.
  • Don’t block the TV.

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Nov
08

Southernness

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.
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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
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Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, . As in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
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Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
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All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
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Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
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No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
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A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

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Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … And when we’re “in line,” … We talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
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In the South, y’all is singular, .. All y’all is plural.

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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
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Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, AND coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
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When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
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Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened.  “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
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And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say,”Bless her heart” … And go your own way.
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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:  Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.  Bless your heart!
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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
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And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”

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Nov
08

Coming To A Wal-Mart Near You

scooter

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Nov
08

Only A White Man Could Be This Dumb

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US government officials that were sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” asked one official, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing. All night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled… “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.”

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Nov
08

Her Skirt Was Too Tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we was friends.”

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Nov
08

God Moves In Mysterious Ways

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed .. “Lord, it’s up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so Good!

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Nov
07

Redneck Church

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
…The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
…A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’tget out of”

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ’56 Chevy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if…
… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

You know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
… The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear”.

God Bless and don’t fergit ta say yer prayers!

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Nov
07

The ABCs of Aging

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now…

The Alphabet

A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it be low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.

W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have– in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

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