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Apr

The Spirit of the Japanese People

This picture of gaping chasms in a Japanese road illustrate the power of the March 11, 2011 earthquake.

Repair work began on March 17 and six days later the cratered section of the Great Kanto Highway in Naka was restored and re-opened to traffic. The astonishing speed of reconstruction highlights Japan’s ability to get back on its feet.

This says a great deal about the spirit of the Japanese people, as do the following:

1. THE CALM = Not a single visual in the news media of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY = Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY = The incredible architects, for instance. Buildings swayed but didn’t fall.

4. THE GRACE = People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something.

5. THE ORDER = No looting in shops, no honking and no overtaking on the roads — just understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE = Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water onto the nuclear reactors. They can never be compensated for this sacrifice.

7. THE TENDERNESS = Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak .

8. THE TRAINING = Everyone knew exactly what to do, the young and old alike. And they did it.

9. THE MEDIA = They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly reporters. Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE = When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly

What would have happened in your community?

Mar

Americans With No Abilities Act

By admin | Funny

Washington, DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act.

(AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

‘Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,’ said California Senator Barbara Boxer. ‘We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.’

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the automotive industry (68%), and home improvement ‘warehouse’ stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, ‘Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?’

‘As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,’ said Jen Miller, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember ‘rightey tightey, lefty loosey.’ ‘This new law should be real good for people like me,’ Miller added. With the passage of this bill, Miller and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): ‘As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.’

Oct

Today’s Housing Market

By admin | Blog, Featured, Funny

Having trouble selling your house? Is the tax assessment too high?

Here’s why…

In the current housing market this is your house as you see it.

This is your house as your buyer sees it.

This is your house as your lender sees it.

This is your house as your appraiser sees it.

And, this is your house as your county tax assessor sees it.

Good luck. You are going to need it.

Dec

Please Don’t Tell My Wife

By admin | Blog, Unusual

We all have our secrets, but it usually isn’t good for husbands and wives to have secrets from each other.

In March 2003 a Los Angeles man walked into a local casino put a buck into the slot machine and won $39.7 million. When talking to casino officials afterward he asked, “Please don’t tell my wife or publish my name.” Why? His wife did not approve of him gambling and he was afraid of what she would say or do if she discovered that he had been gambling. I may be wrong, but my guess is that she would forgive him when she discovered that he had won almost $40 million. She had 40 million reasons to forgive him.

But, if you play and win $39.7 million, it really isn’t a good idea to keep it a secret from your spouse.

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Dec

If You Won The Lottery

By admin | Funny

What would you do if you won the Lottery?

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Nov

Aligator Wrestling

By admin | Blog, Funny

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the party, the host said, “I have a10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. ”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and beating it bad! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and making noises that sent chills down the spines of those closeby. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the guy who pushed me in the pool”

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Talking Dog For Sale

By admin | Blog, Funny

A guy is driving through Texas and he sees a sign in front of a house:

“Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yes, I do,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars!!? Is that all? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that crap”

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Nov

Texas Women

By admin | Blog, Funny

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

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Nov

Things That Make You Go, “Hmmmmm?”

By admin | Blog, Featured, Unusual

Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… But it’s only a “penny for
your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

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Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up
like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see
you naked anyway.

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Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

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If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re
both dogs!
If Goofy is Mickey’s dog, why isn’t Mickey Goofy’s mouse?
(I figured these one out: Goofy wears clothes. If you’re a cartoon character and wear clothes, you can’t be owned by someone. Even if it’s only a bow tie!)
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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why
didn’t he just buy dinner?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?

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Nov

Charm School Graduate

By admin | Blog, Funny

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

And again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked the Southern lady, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Oh my God! What on earth for?”, asked the first woman.

The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a sh*t?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

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