For several years my routine has included watching “Headlines” each Monday night on Leno. Here are a few headlines not appearing on Leno but offering a good dose of wordplay:
In a report about a music festival going on despite a court prohibition: “The Banned Played On”
On a story about a cat trapped between two buildings for five hours before being rescued: “Get Meowt!”
In a story on the reduction of county revenue: “County Seat Feels Pinch”
In an article on the gradual conversion to the metric system: “U.S. Is Playing Follow The Liter”
On a garden column recommending composting: “You Can’t Have Too Mulch”
On a story on the challenge of eating snails: “Well, That’s The Way The Escargots”
On the changing wardrobe of nuns: “Nuns Experiment With New Habits”
“Escaped Leopard Believed Spotted”
“Massage Parlors Rub City Officials Wrong Way”
“River Bill Up The Creek”
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And there are these puns offered by the readers of the San Franciso Chronicle. Columnist Herb Caen invented a game in which readers concoct names for animals. Consider these:
A Collie named Flower
Boxer named Shorts
Donkey named Shane
Crow named Magnon
Gopher named Broke
Kitten named Kaboodle
Cat named Mandu
Horse named Greeley
Mouse named Mousey Tung
Sparrow named Agnew
Rabbit named Transit
Pigeon named Toad
Frog named Horn
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And, here are a few other instances of noted wordplay:
We were searching for a stopping place after a hard day of driving. “There was a motel back there, “sighed my mother wistfully, “but that was neons ago!” (Selma Raskin)
Show me a jittery king and I’ll show you a nervous rex. (Robert Fitch)
Pediatricians are men of little patients. (Shelby Friedman)
Dermatologists make rash judgments. (Patricia Majewski)
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said……….
…….”Good trade”
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Looking for a craft or project? Why not create your own Guardian Angel?
A quick Google search will turn up hundreds of sites claiming that orbs appearing in photos are ghosts/dead relatives/fairies/guardian spirits — depending on the worldview of the storyteller. It seems that over the last few decades these orbs have miraculously started appearing in photographs. Logically, if an orb appears in a photo, it must be a ghost. Right?
Actually, it is a matter of optics, not super-naturalism. The orbs started appearing simultaneously with the growth in digital photography. When a digital camera using a flash takes a photo and there is some kind of side lighting the camera interprets the feedback from air-born dust and pollen in his way. To make your own orb photo, use a digital camera with flash in a slightly darkened room and wave a duster around before taking the photo… ta da, guardian angels.
I certainly believe in the supernatural, and thank God for any and all guardian angels that might be looking out for me. But to believe that orbs in pictures are guardian angels or ghosts makes as much sense as believing that red-eyes for a person in a photo means that they are demon possessed.
Two keys hang in an undertaker’s office – one for the organ in the chapel and one for the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read “Hymn” and “Hearse.”
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor ‘ s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog….able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown – 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
but she can’t touch it ’til she’s 14.
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How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, ‘Go ahead’.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
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Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
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Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
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A new Redneck law was just recently passed.
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins..
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Did you hear that the Redneck governor’s mansion burned down?
‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . .. . up in flames and the governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’
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A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any! I.D.? ‘
and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’
